How To Save Your Marriage
Trying to work out how to save your marriage can be a nightmare, especially if you don’t know what to do, if you don’t know where to turn to, and if you don’t know how to connect with your partner so that you can start to work together to save your marriage. The fact that you have made it through to this site says that you still believe in your marriage and that you want to find a way to save it.
Before you look at trying to save your marriage you need to be prepared to accept that this could be the end of the road. I hope that it’s not the end for you, but the sad fact of life is that just as not every relationship works, not every marriage works. it could simply be the case that you are just not compatible with each other. But before I get to maudlin, let’s go back to the beginning.
When you first met, maybe there were fireworks, or maybe you grew close to each other, but there had to have been something because you kept seeing each other. You went on dates and slowly but steadily you came to know your partner. There must have been some kind of connection between you, because at some point you decided that you wanted to spend the rest of your lives. You became engaged, and as the prospect of marriage didn’t frighten either of you away you married.
The thing about marriage is that just because you get married, it doesn’t mean that you stop working at relationship and live happily ever after. If anything, you have to work harder at your relationship because you can’t just walk away anymore, this is especially true if you have kids.
Take a look at why you go married and what drew you to your partner. Was it a case of opposites attract, if that was the case then you might struggle to keep your relationship alive. In order for your marriage to survive you have to have some kind of common ground between you, something that you can share together. Did you hope that your partner would change if you married them? If there were problems in your relationship before you got married, then marrying will not cure them, if anything it can make them worse. Did you and your partner get married because your loved each other, you were each others best friend, and you both wanted to share each others lives together? When you get married you both have to want to get married, if you do it for any other reason the chances of your marriage surviving diminish rapidly.
Unless things have changed, are you aware that the main reason for marriages and relationships failing is a breakdown in communication.
When you first met and started dating, would it be fair to say that you talked a lot, that you shared your lives, that you enjoyed being in each others company? can you say the same now?
Start Talking To Save Your Marriage
Think about the areas of your marriage that communication touches on. Would it be fair to say that if you have stopped communicating with each other, then you are two strangers who happen to live in the same house? Communication creates the ties that bind your marriage together, without communication you have nothing. If you want to make your marriage work you have to share your lives together. When you talk it has to be more than what’s on the T.V or what’s for dinner, your relationship is much more than that. You have to be able to talk about your day, your hopes and dreams, your fears and concerns. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend, they are the one person that you should be able to open up to.
You might have slipped into the habit of eating your meals in front of the T.V. If that’s the case then start eating your meals at the table. If you have kids you can talk about everyone’s day and what’s happening. Once the kids have finished and have left the table then it gives the two of you space to talk. You can being doing something as mundane as washing the dishes, but if you are doing it together then you can talk.
There is no such thing as the perfect marriage or the perfect relationship, everyone has their problems. However, in order to deal with your problems you have to be able to talk about them! Some people prefer to ignore problems and hope that they will go away, unfortunately they just tend to get worse. No matter how small or insignificant the problem is, it has to be dealt with as soon as it is spotted. If you can talk problems through then you can deal with them and they don’t end up spiralling out of control.
Remember, you both have an equal responsibility for making your marriage work! So don’t sit on your pride waiting for your partner to make the first move! If you are both waiting for the other to make the first move then the chances are that neither of you will, your married life will become a miserable existence and you will probably end up adding to the caseload for some poor, overworked divorce attorney.
At some point you will argue, that’s life, the important thing is will you let it break or make your marriage? Given the divorce statistics, most people seem content to let arguments destroy their marriage.
Take a moment to think about what an argument is. An argument happens because there is a problem. Fantastic, you now know that there is a problem, so deal with it. The problem is that both of you will probably have a shouting match with each other, the outcome of which is that nothing gets resolved and you both feel hurt and angry. have you ever considered that you can both have your own sides of an argument and that you can both be right?
Both of you have your own personal history, your own perspective, your own way of doing things. In order to save your marriage you have to both come together and works as a team. You are not going to get your own way every time, and it would be wrong to expect so. Try to see things from your partners perspective because what might be unimportant to you could be very important to them. You both need to find a way to come up with a compromise that is the best outcome for your marriage. It could be that you and your partner get what you want, it could be that neither of you get what you want, the important thing is that you both come together and that you both deal with the problem to achieve a result that you are both happy with.
When you deal with your issues then deal with them one at a time, and don’t move forward until you have resolved each issue. When one of you is speaking then make a rule that the other will not interrupt until the talker has said their piece. If tempers are starting to rise then take a time out, give yourselves a chance to cool down and then get back to the table. accept that you can be wrong and when you are take responsibility for your mistakes. And always try to find a way to resolve your issues that you are both happy with and allows you to move forward.
If you make mistake you need to be able to be big enough to accept responsibility for your personal actions. Far to many people get defensive when they are accused of something and try to pin the blame on anything and everyone but themselves. Don’t get sucked into these no win arguments! When you are both shouting at each other it just adds fuel to the fire. While it is easier said than done, if you get into an argument then try to be reasonable and rational. If the argument is not being fed then it will fizzle out and you can both concentrate on dealing with your issues.
You Can Save Your Marriage
There are of course some mistakes that are incredibly difficult to forgive, especially as you will never forget them. Adultery can rip the heart and soul out of a family, and it can destroy the victim. If the victim still believes that the marriage has a chance then they will have to forgive their partner, if they cannot then the marriage will be unable to move forward. It will be held in stasis at the point where the victim discovered what their partner had done to them. Recovering after an affair is a long journey and it can take the victim many months before they can work through the trauma that it has put them through. You will never forget, the marriage will never be the same again, but it can survive and it can be made stronger than it ever was.
If you don’t communicate then you don’t have a relationship, but if you don’t spend quality time together then where is the point of being in a relationship. Spending time together, just the two of you, gives you the chance to reconnect and renew your bond. It doesn’t matter what you do or where you go, the important thing is that it’s just the two of you enjoying some quality time together.
Just because you are married it doesn’t have to mean that you have to stop going on dates with each other, although I appreciate that it can be very difficult trying to find the time, especially if you have kids, but you have to find the time when you can be together. You might have to synchronize schedules but it will be worth the effort. You need to remember, whether you have kids or not, that you two are the most important components of your marriage, without you guys there is nothing. And if you have kids, or when you have kids, you are going to bring them up to move away and start families of your own. At the end of the day there will just be the two of you, so work at building your bond and having fun and enjoying life together. Always remember that you are never to old to have fun!!!
If you want to save your marriage you have to start talking again. You have to work through all of your issues as calmly and as rationally as possible. You cannot afford to play a points scoring game, not when your future happiness is at stake. When you have dealt with all your issues you need to work out a way that you can take you marriage forward. I know that there are some issues that are going to be very difficult to forgive, but if you want your marriage to survive then you are going to have to try. You need to reconnect with each other and start remembering what drew you together in the first place. Learn to enjoy life together, again. Find interests that you can share, and if there is nothing apparent then find new things that you can do together.
You can save your marriage but you both have to want to, it won’t work if only one of you is prepared to try. I hope that this outline on how to save your marriage has been of use to you, if you are looking to take things further there are a number of links that you can click that will take you to sites that can help. If you believe that there is something in your marriage worth fighting for then go for it, it would be such a shame if you lost your chance of happiness because neither of you would talk things through. Good Luck.